test-exams

OK. So the time has come for the frightsome test-exams. Finishing Norwegian high-school. The funny thing is that when finishing 10 years of Norwegian schooling, you only have two exams: oral and written. On my oral test-exam in April I got Norwegian Literature. Romantism/realism/naturalism, etc. It went very well, to my surprise and I got a 6 on that (best grade). Satisfying. Oral Norwegian secured for the term standard grade. My written test-exam is tomorrow. I do of course not know what subject I'll have on that horrid day of 22nd of May, but tomorrow is math.

This means: filling the rule-book to it's brinks. Memorizing formulas. Practising excel.

Tomorrow is the day.

I'm nervous.

Why I'm afraid

It's easter again. It sneaked up on me like this crouching tiger, and now it's here, and 'lazy days kicks ass', because I'm free. For a short while. For a week. But still, here I am. Sitting in a cold room with full shelves of books, a printer, jewelry I've taken off myself, marker pens and empty cd's. I'm importing Dire Straits - Vertigo into my computer. And I slept until 11 today. Delightful.

It's something special about being dumped by your friends. Alexis* has dumped me. She dumped me and Barbara just half way. It doesnt hurt as much as it probably should, it's just that I've given soo much to her. Of myself. Psychologhical things. Not exactly techniques, but i've told her how to make friends, how to stand strong, how to not be bored, how to raise her self esteem, do good in school. And then she turns against me with exactly the same thing. Ahh.. I just don't know what to do, losing her is one thing, even though I love her and I'm really attached to her, we've been through so much, i've supported her, but hey Leah, this is buddhism, accept having given without expecting anything in return. I'm just afraid of being loeft alone. I like solitude, it's inspiring, it pushes me further, into prose, poetry and music.. I love my guitar, I play it all the time. I've learned so many chords now, my finger play is still bad, but it just gives agreat feeling of mastering things, acheiving.

I keep analyzing myself all the time. I need this feeling of acheivement, well well. Whatever. I'd like cacao with extra whipped milk. Or an ice cold smoothie. My mind dreams of brain-freeze and I play silly lovesongs on my guitar. It's really in need of tuning.

Lazy days kicks ass sitting in the sunset with my computer im all alone but so what i have my dreams my memories and my music even thought it's all silent it keeps going through my head saying women and children first and im lost and lonely but solitude is my thing right now it makes me free.

I have this idea in my head to write a book based on sayings and quotes only. Make the story unweil itself thorugh quotes. Imagine all by myself.

I keep saying I'm foolish. I tell myself that everything is a mess, but is it really, or am I just imagining things. The worst thing might be that nothing is really difficult. Everything is just too easy. Or it's too hard I have no idea I'm just so very confused. I feel so stuck inside my head. What is a body? I think I value pleasure too much

Development studies

Today we had our study day. It's a preparation for our test-exams tomorrow. My grouping is such a disaster. I'll get a 3 or a 4 I'm sure. Ahh.. Well. And then. Our teacher, which I think is the dumbest person to walk this earth, has put the chapters human development and economy and trade on the curriculum. Themes we have never ever touched in class. It annoyes me sooo much I have no words to express. I, as smart as I am, didn't discover this until today (I thought I'd be revising today..), and have been reading development and free trade all day long. I've written a 5 page summary alltogether. Before the exam I'll just revise that.
Having read about this study techique called MEMO (Memo - Oddbjørn By) I've made some 'travel routes' to remember things and tags. I have a travel route for the 4 general causes of differency between developing and industrialized countries (the garde), and one for remembering the highest developed countries ranked after HDI. The HDI route is my fathers office building (I worked there Friday: boring. telephones. stupid man asking who starts the bidding rounds.. ahh.. real estate dummies, ho ho). First a compass; illustrating Norway (0,963), then an iceberg; Iceland, in the elevator a kengaroo; Australia, a woman dressed in luxury; Luxembourg, when they go out of the elevator, a goose; Canada. Ho ho. I'm so smart. The worst thing, is that after memorizing these visualisations I'll remember them forever.

What more? This weekend I've done nothing. I slept over at Guri's. But no party. Just boring. No emotional outbursts this time, I'm just too tired. And I've been researching Harvard Uni. I'm SOOO going to Harvard. Or Oxford. Or Princeton. There is no way around it. My life order will be: finish 11th grade here at home. The UWC in Hong Kong. Then a gap year, working, travelling. Then Harvard. Oh yes. And then I'll work in the foreign affairs department and be a diplomat. I'll get a man. We're gonna have a stormy relationship, but love eachother. I'll be famous in contemporary folk society for my music, and I'll win the Booker prixe for my first book. I'll have photo exhibitions. Then we'll move to India and have 2 kids.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I know that I'm not the only one.

Changes

I don't like hip-hop. It's just incredibly annoying, hip hop, r'n'b and poppy music. And techno. But hating techno is mainstream. I won't even get into it. My current hate-list (music) involves 50 cent, Usher, Nelly (and all those other 'ahh I was in the ghetto and almost died a thousand times'), Beyoncê, Pink and 'many more!'

So today I had almost the whole day off, taking the bus into town, seeing there are only 3 buses between 9 and 15:30 I took the 10:45 bus. I went to the dentist at 11:15 and screamed so loud when he removed the metal. Now it feels good, different.. They're shiny and contain big surfaces.

I'm tired again. And I'm having a head-ache.
What the hell do I need this blog for? Can I write it like this, like a diary? Like I did before? I'm not sure.. All the other blogs I read were written by good writers, photographers or musicians. But cheer up, beautiful child, and remember the old days, Drive by Incubus: Hold the wheel and drive. Yourself. Truly.

This is a new path. Whadduya say, kid? This is my way.

Endless attempts

This is my 7th fucking blog. I had 3 blogs at diaryland.com. When I was younger. Those were the days. Those blogs were filled with agony and complaint. I'm a fucking whiner, I don't know what else to do with myself. How come I always try to be so much better. Why do I dream of revolution without doing anything with my dreams? I'm like: I want to do this and this. I'd like to be like that and that. Why don't I just go and do it.
Maniacs.
I tend to say fucking all the time. A result of a peace/youth-political/environmental camp in Denmark this christmas.
I think I'm a radiohead fan. Like seriously. True love waits. Another proof of me living in past/future. I like 90's music.
I'm confused. My mind goes on and on. I just don't know what to do with myself.